The Dance of Minimiser and Maximiser in Relationships

Understanding the Imago Dynamics That Keep You Stuck

Have you ever felt like you’re always chasing your partner for closeness, while they seem to pull away? Or maybe you find yourself withdrawing when your partner pushes for more connection? This push–pull cycle is at the heart of many couples’ struggles — and in Imago Relationship Therapy, we call it the Maximiser–Minimiser dynamic.

The Maximiser: “Please, talk to me!”

Maximisers are the pursuers in the relationship. They long for connection, reassurance, and dialogue. When they feel disconnected, they raise their voice, ask for attention, or push harder to be heard. Underneath this behaviour is a deep fear of abandonment: “Will you leave me? Am I important to you?”

The Minimiser: “I just need space.”

Minimisers, on the other hand, cope with conflict by retreating. They may go silent, shut down, or physically leave the room. To the Maximiser, this looks like rejection — but for the Minimiser, it feels like self-protection. Underneath is a deep fear of being engulfed or overwhelmed: “If I let you in too much, will I lose myself?”

Why It Hurts Both Partners

The Maximiser feels abandoned, the Minimiser feels attacked, and both end up hurt. Over time, this cycle can erode intimacy, leaving couples stuck in resentment and disconnection.

How Imago Dialogue Helps

Imago Dialogue offers a structured way for each partner to slow down, listen, and feel safe. The Maximiser learns that they will be heard without having to shout. The Minimiser learns that closeness doesn’t mean losing themselves. Both discover that conflict is growth trying to happen.

Moving Forward Together

When couples recognise their Maximiser–Minimiser dance, compassion grows. It’s not about blaming one another — it’s about understanding the childhood wounds driving the pattern and creating a new dance of safety, empathy, and connection.

💡 If you recognise the minimiser–maximiser dance in your own relationship, know that you don’t have to stay stuck in the cycle.

Leigh Milne is a Psychologist, and IMAGO & Schema Couples Therapist at Southwest Trauma Therapy & Transcending Trauma & Couples Coach

At Quantum Couple Coach. Leigh offers 1 or 2 day weekend intensives or retreats designed to help couples move from reactivity into conscious connection.

👉 Book couples therapy at southwesttraumatherapy.com.au or book coaching intensives and retreats at quantumcouplecoach.com.au

For trauma-focused psychology sessions, visit my therapy practice:

👉 transcendingtrauma.com.au

Understanding the Impact of Late ADHD Diagnosis in Women

By Ann Harkin – Somatic Psychotherapist | Southwest Trauma Therapy & Yogasoma

If you’re lying awake at night wondering:

• “Why does everything feel harder than it used to?”

• “Why can’t I cope like I used to?”

• “Why do I feel constantly overwhelmed, no matter how much I try?”

• “Why does my mind never switch off?”

  You are not alone.

Many of the women I support—particularly in their 40s and 50s—come to therapy feeling exactly like this.

For many, what has been missed for years is ADHD in women, often only becoming visible during peri-menopause or periods of burnout.

The Signs That Were Often Missed

In women, ADHD does not always look like hyperactivity. Instead, it can be internal, invisible, and easily misunderstood.

Common experiences include:

• Chronic overwhelm and mental load

• Emotional dysregulation (feeling “too much” or very reactive)

• Difficulty switching off or resting

• Anxiety and overthinking

• Burnout cycles followed by short recovery periods

• Appearing highly capable externally while struggling internally

• Sensory sensitivity (noise, chaos, stimulation)

• Perfectionism combined with procrastination

Many women become highly functional for years—sometimes decades—by over-adapting, overworking, and pushing through.

Until one day…

👉 The system can no longer keep up.

Why It Often Shows Up in Peri-Menopause

Peri-menopause is a major neurological and hormonal transition, not just a reproductive one.

Hormonal shifts impact:

• Dopamine regulation (linked to ADHD)

• Emotional regulation

• Sleep quality

• Stress tolerance

At the same time, life is often at its most demanding:

• Career pressure

• Parenting or caregiving

• Relationship load

• Emotional exhaustion

Many women say:

👉 “I used to cope. Now I just can’t.”

This is not failure.

It is often the point where underlying ADHD traits become impossible to mask.

ADHD, Trauma & the Nervous System

There is also a strong overlap between ADHD traits and trauma responses.

Many women I work with have spent years:

• In survival mode

• Over-functioning

• Suppressing emotional needs

• Pushing through exhaustion

From a nervous system perspective, this can look like:

• Chronic activation (fight/flight)

• Shutdown or burnout (freeze/collapse)

• Difficulty returning to calm

ADHD is not only about attention.

👉 It is also about regulation, capacity, and nervous system load.

The Emotional Impact of Late Diagnosis

When women begin to understand ADHD later in life, there is often a mix of emotions:

• Relief: “This explains so much.”

• Grief: “Why wasn’t this recognised earlier?”

• Anger: “I thought it was my fault.”

• Confusion: “Who am I without this struggle?”

This is an important part of the process.

Because late diagnosis is not just about labels—

👉 It is about rewriting the story you’ve held about yourself.

A Different Way Forward: Working With the Body

In my work at Southwest Trauma Therapy and Yogasoma, I support women through a nervous system and trauma-informed lens, integrating:

• Somatic Experiencing (working with the body’s stress responses)

• Parts work (understanding internal patterns like the “pushing part” or “exhausted part”)

• Mindfulness and grounding practices

• Trauma-informed therapy approaches

Because for many women, what is needed is not more pressure to perform—

👉 It is support to feel safe enough to slow down.

Rest Feels Hard for a Reason

One of the most common experiences in women with ADHD traits is:

👉 Rest does not feel restful.

Instead, it can bring:

• Restlessness

• Anxiety

• Guilt

• A sense of urgency or discomfort

This is not laziness.

It is a nervous system that has learned to stay “on” for a long time.

Restorative Yoga & Nervous System Support

This is where practices like restorative yoga and somatic regulation work can be deeply supportive.

At Yogasoma, this may include:

• Supported restorative postures

• Breath and grounding practices

• Gentle nervous system regulation

• Sound-based relaxation

Not forcing rest—

👉 But slowly teaching the body that rest is safe again.

If This Is You…

If you are reading this and thinking:

👉 “This is me.”

Please know:

• You are not lazy

• You are not broken

• You are not failing

Your nervous system has simply been doing its best for a long time.

And now it is asking for support.

Support in Bunbury & Southwest WA

I offer trauma-informed somatic psychotherapy and nervous system-based support for women experiencing:

• ADHD (including late diagnosis)

• Anxiety and overwhelm

• Burnout and exhaustion

• Peri-menopause transitions

Through Southwest Trauma Therapy and Yogasoma, the focus is on supporting regulation, capacity, and reconnection with self.

Final Thoughts

Late ADHD diagnosis in women is not the end of the story.

It is the beginning of understanding yourself differently.

A shift from:

• Coping → regulating

• Pushing → listening

• Surviving → living

And most importantly:

👉 Learning to relate to yourself with more compassion, understanding, and care.

How Anxiety and Trauma Impact Relationships—and How Trauma-Informed Therapy in Bunbury & Southwest Can Help

Anxiety and trauma are not just internal experiences—they directly impact how we connect, communicate, and feel safe in relationships.

At South West Trauma Therapy and Transcending Trauma, we regularly work with individuals and couples who feel stuck in patterns of disconnection, conflict, or emotional distance—often without fully understanding why.

What many people don’t realise is that these patterns are not simply “relationship problems”—they are often nervous system responses shaped by past experiences of stress, trauma, or attachment wounds.

How Trauma and Anxiety Affect Relationships

When trauma or chronic anxiety is present, the nervous system becomes sensitised to threat.

This can show up as:

• emotional reactivity or overwhelm

• difficulty trusting others

• withdrawal or shutdown

• fear of abandonment

• overthinking and reassurance-seeking

Over time, these patterns can create cycles of misunderstanding in relationships.

For example:

• withdrawal may be perceived as disinterest

• anxiety may be interpreted as insecurity or neediness

• emotional responses may feel confusing or disproportionate

Without understanding the underlying nervous system dynamics, both partners can feel frustrated, disconnected, or alone.

💛 Why Trauma-Informed Therapy Is Different

Working with a trauma-informed therapist means going beyond surface-level communication strategies.

It involves understanding:

• how trauma is stored in the body and nervous system

• how past experiences shape present relationship patterns

• how safety, regulation, and connection can be rebuilt

Leigh Milne is a registered psychologist and couples therapist who integrates:

• evidence-based psychology

• somatic and body-oriented approaches

• attachment-focused relational work

• nervous system regulation

💛 Trauma-Informed Couples Therapy and Relationship Healing

For couples, these patterns often show up as repeated cycles of conflict, disconnection, or emotional distance.

Leigh Milne offers trauma-informed couples therapy and relationship work through:

• South West Trauma Therapy (Bunbury)

• Transcending Trauma (Donnybrook & Gnarabup)

• Quantum Couple Coach (Bunbury intensives & retreats)

Using structured relational approaches such as Imago Therapy, couples are supported to:

• understand each other’s triggers

• communicate safely and effectively

• repair relational ruptures

• rebuild emotional connection

💛 A Deeper Approach to Healing Relationships

💛 Creating Safety in the Nervous System

Healing begins with safety. Trauma-informed therapy provides a structured and respectful space to explore experiences without judgement or pressure.

💛 Understanding the Root Cause

Rather than focusing only on behaviours, we work with the underlying patterns driving them—often shaped by trauma, attachment experiences, and nervous system conditioning.

💛 Building Regulation and Awareness

You will learn practical ways to regulate your nervous system, understand your responses, and navigate relationships with greater clarity.

💛 Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy

As safety and awareness increase, trust can be rebuilt—both within yourself and in your relationships—allowing for deeper connection and intimacy.

💛 An Integrated Approach to Trauma Therapy

This work goes beyond traditional talk therapy.

Leigh integrates approaches such as:

• EMDR

• Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR)

• Sensorimotor Psychotherapy

• Resource (Parts) Therapy

• Schema Therapy

• Clinical Hypnotherapy

• Somatic and nervous system-based approaches

💛 Trauma Therapy in Bunbury, Donnybrook and Gnarabup

If you are experiencing anxiety, trauma, or relationship challenges, support is available across multiple locations in the South West of Western Australia.

Leigh Milne offers trauma-informed therapy in:

• Bunbury (Southwest Trauma Therapy)

• Donnybrook and Gnarabup / Margaret River region (Transcending Trauma)

as well as couples intensives and retreat-style experiences through Quantum Couple Coach.

💛 Is This Approach Right for You?

This approach is suited to individuals and couples who:

• are ready to explore patterns at a deeper level

• are open to body-based and nervous system work

• want lasting change—not just short-term coping

• are invested in growth, healing, and meaningful connection

💛 Begin Your Healing Journey

If you’re ready to move beyond repeating patterns and create more connected, fulfilling relationships, trauma-informed therapy can provide a powerful pathway forward.

Learn more or enquire:

• Southwest Trauma Therapy

• Transcending Trauma

• Quantum Couple Coach

  
  

If you’re struggling with anxiety or trauma and feel it’s impacting your relationships, seeking help from a trauma-informed therapist is a powerful step toward healing. Leigh Milne, a psychologist and couples therapist with over 20 years of experience in the health and wellbeing space integrates evidence-based and holistic trauma-informed approaches like Imago Couples Therapy, Resource Therapy and Schema Therapy. These evidence-based methods focus on fostering understanding, healing past wounds, and creating a safe space for growth.

True connection happens when two beings resonate—not just in words, but in energy, story, and soul. Don’t let anxiety or trauma hold you back from the relationships you deserve. Visit www.southwesttraumatherapy.com.au, www.transcendingtrauma.com.au, or quantumcouplecoach.com.au to learn more about Leigh’s compassionate and holistic approach to therapy.